His Loss Hotline

Red Flags or Just 25?

• Kelly • Season 1 • Episode 7

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Every relationship has two versions. The one you tell later, polished into a story about “red flags I should have seen.” And the one you actually lived, where the lines between immaturity, bad timing, and real warning signs blur together. This episode is about that second version. The one that makes you wonder if it was him, or if it was just that you were twenty-five.

There were the “entrepreneurs” who treated their Notes app like an office. The guitar guys who never made it past Wonderwall. The decent ones too, the men who were kind but never quite right. And then there was the marriage, where problems piled up and I called them quirks, because at twenty-three I thought that was what commitment looked like. Febreze as cleaning, silence as punishment, gaslighting as love.

What ties these stories together is not regret but recognition. Growing older doesn’t rewrite what happened. It sharpens it. Divorce became the education I didn’t know I needed, a crash course in what I will never excuse again.

Looking back is not about deciding if it was all red flags or if I was just too young to see clearly. It is admitting that both can be true. That youth let me excuse things I should have named, and that love can still fail even when you try your hardest. It is not failure to learn too late. It is only proof that now, I see.

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Kelly:

the number cannot be reached now. Please hang up and try again later. Welcome back to his loss hotline, your favorite podcast, and if it's not, don't tell me that, or I'll cry, um, or get better opinions, or it might be me, so sorry, um, yeah, we're the show where we ask the hard questions like did he ruin my life or was I just 25 with a Pinterest wedding board and no critical thinking skills? I'm Kelly, your hotline operator, freshly divorced and a former Olympic-level apologist for men who couldn't even buy real trash bags, and today's spiral is personal, but what it is, jesus, I'm struggling today. Was it really a red flag or was I just 25? Spoiler alert it probably was a red flag because sometimes he was trash, but other times I was just young, codependent and thought honestly what hawaiian breeze for breeze counted as a personality trait? Um, but we'll get into that, but let's rewind a little, okay? So before the marriage, before the divorce, I was dating a lot, especially in college. Out of college, um, and not good guys, not really just men, some fine, some disasters, um, some who still taught me when a hinge prompt gives me deja vu, truly, um, like.

Kelly:

Some examples are like the entrepreneur who, like, literally lived in his notes app. Um, every week it was like a new business. It was crazy. Um, first it was like crypto, then I think it was like, you know, like drop shipping, like Sheehan, I think. The next week for him it was coaching. Honestly, I feel like his LinkedIn should have been like unemployed but confident, but like I thought he was just ambitious. Now I know that was delusion, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know, we found that out. We found that out through a lot of therapy, essentially. Um.

Kelly:

Another example would be the birthday skeptic. Um, this man. He didn't like quote unquote, like believe in birthdays. It's really not that hard. It was literally. I remember he texted me on my birthday hope you're enjoying your day. I was like okay, um, yeah, nothing else. He was like I don't celebrate, I hate birthdays, I don't think they're necessary. That's also like the valentine's day, not, believer?

Kelly:

I dated, which a lot of guys are like what are you so about celebrate Valentine's Day? And I'm like, dude, like how about you just celebrate your person? It's not that fucking hard. Girls don't want a lot. Seriously, buy me three dollar flowers. Go pick some flowers from the fucking bush down the street. I don don't give a shit. I think that shows effort. It's not that hard.

Kelly:

Another guy I dated was the Ikea shopper. I remember that he couldn't commit to me but he could commit to a sectional. So he like took me to ikea with him, which is crazy, because I think ikea is like, honestly, couples therapy with like meatballs on the side. But uh, because if you've been there with your significant other, holy fucking shit, you know what the fuck I'm talking about you. I, I think they make it a maze like that because it like you, you buy more shit, obviously, but because you'll get in a fight with your significant other, maybe you'll stay longer. I don't know, there's got to be some psychological shit going on there. But uh, yeah, then the classic, and I feel like every woman has like dealt with this type of guy.

Kelly:

But the guitar guy, holy shit, he literally brought his guitar everywhere parties, porches, honestly, probably a funeral if he could, if he like begged them to play. Did I swoon at wonderwall, tragically? Yeah, I don't know why that was the choice of all of the guitar guys, but it was. It fucking was, um. And then somehow I I married a bassist. My, my ex-husband was a bassist or whatever, um, so I guess I didn't hate the guitar guy that much, but I should have. I should have hated that archetype because, holy fucking shit, why did I marry one crazy shit, crazy shit. Um, and to be fair, not all of them were villains, some were just fine, uh, too boring, too nice or like too something.

Kelly:

But at the time I ghosted them because I was 22, I don't know, 21, even younger, and I thought ghosting was kinder than saying, hey, you're not. It Red flag in them, not really red flag in me. Maybe, um, I'm, or maybe I was just like young and immature and emotionally unavailable to do that work, to like not tell them, hey, I'm not interested, or them not getting the memo that I was not interested. But yeah, let's just say like my roster was messy, very messy, but while I was like swiping and ghosting and ignoring guitars, I didn't know like something like bigger was happening and that sounds very ominous, but it's like, I don't know. It's like this theory. So it sounds like very scientific. It's not, it's literally from sex in the city, um, but if you've seen sex in the city you know like I'm gonna call it like the blinking light theory. So they say like men, marry not the one, but the woman that they're with, oh god, but the woman they're with when their internal marriage light goes off, um, so whoever's standing there gets the ring. Um, I think women have it too.

Kelly:

Maybe, um or at least I did. Um, my mid-20s hit and suddenly all my friends were getting engaged and moving forward with things and I was like ding, ding, ding, I need to get this shit moving. And I don't even think I did it consciously, I think I did it subconsciously. But, yeah, and who was standing there when it blinked? My ex-husband. So, yeah, not the best guy I've ever dated, not even close. But I thought, you know, timing mattered more than compatibility and I was trying to look at his effort and things like that, and I think effort is so important, but I ignored so many red flags. I thought, you know, being ready mattered more than being right. So I said yes to the man in front of me and I didn't even know that's what I was doing.

Kelly:

The man who literally thought Febreze was a cleaning system and deodorant was, I don't know, fucking optional. I don't know why. He always smelled like BO dude, I don't get it. Um, and that's kind of how my blinking light turned into five years of chaos. Years of chaos, essentially, um, but those five years it was like ages 22 through 27. That's five years, right, five, yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm not good at math, okay, I mean, it's not my strong suit. Ask any of my friends, ask my family, they know it's bad. Um, but we're gonna call those the the marriage years, because that's what they were.

Kelly:

Um, but truly, like, looking back at it, the hygiene crimes alone were like olympic level. He barely wore deodorant or I don't know how he always stank. I did see him put deodorant on, but I'm not sure like his signature scent was like body odor, like I don't fucking understand and I'm not trying to like roast this man, even though he's my ex-husband, so I can but, uh, I don't fucking know something. Something wasn't right.

Kelly:

Um, also, when we were dating, like, looking back on on it, like his apartment was fucking disgusting. He literally told me sometimes that he there was a rat, there was rats in his apartment and cockroaches. You know, I myself had never seen one in the apartment. Um, because I don't fucking know, maybe the timing, but that's disgusting, you're kidding, and why did I think that was okay, like it really showed, like this man wasn't taking care of himself or his space. There was clothes everywhere. He loved a bean bag so much it always smelled like BO, like what.

Kelly:

Looking back on it, I looked past so many things Holy fucking shit. But like truly, his idea of cleaning was spraying Febreze on dirty laundry or like that's what it felt like because of how it was like so disgusting, or like that's what it felt like because of how it was like so disgusting. And then, like obviously we dated and I looked past that. And then we got married and we moved in together and like his hygiene didn't improve and I was like his mommy, essentially like cleaning up after him and trying to get everything together, and I was was so, so overwhelmed with how much cleaning I had to do and like so sometimes I just wouldn't do it and then the house would be absolutely fucking disgusting and then at some point I would have to beg him to help me and he would get annoyed because he was playing video games with his friends.

Kelly:

So it truly was like you know, dating a 16 year old whoa, that sounds like very when I'm 16. So we were both 16, okay, okay, no, we're not. We're not doing that illegal shit, okay, um, but it he had the emotional maturity of a 12 year old and the honestly, the hygiene and upkeep of a 16 year old, truly, um, but that's not even the worst part. Like the worst part was like the gaslighting and like every fight, somehow I always ended up apologizing. He'd flip reality so fast and I thought I was like losing my mind and like at 25, 26, 27, I like told myself, yeah, okay, marriage is hard, but everyone struggles like no girl. Like marriage is a compromise, like there are so many happy marriages and yes, it takes work, but like what you're doing is survival.

Kelly:

Um, he just made me smaller as a person and convinced me I was hard to love, that staying was was proof I was strong when it really was proof I was codependent. So, like, looking back on it, was it a red flag? Abso-fucking-lutely, there were so many red flags. But also I was 25, trained to stay essentially and desperate to prove I could make it work, and desperate to prove I could make it work, and convinced that this was just what marriage looked like. Um, which spoiler alert, it's not Um, but by 27,. I literally couldn't unsee it anymore.

Kelly:

You know, like I've said, divorce cracked me open. I wasn, wasn't, it wasn't empowering at first, um, it truly, for me, was like humiliating and gutting and the kind of pain that I feel like ages you a decade in like two fucking years. But it also was the clearest, like I don't know, not education, but like the clearest mindset I've ever had. Because, like this sounds crazy, but like divorce is basically grad school in spotting bullshit. It's kind of what I've learned a little bit. But you know, now that I'm 28, I haven't been on a date yet, um, since the divorce.

Kelly:

I thought I'd be ready right away and I wasn't. And I think that's fine. And if you're ready right away, go ahead, girl, a hundred percent good for you. I think people take it at their own, their own time. But you know I've done the uh, the app shuffle of like for specifically for hinge download, delete, re-download, delete again. Be insulted by who. Hinge matches we meet matches me with. Um, I got this.

Kelly:

I remember getting this, uh, this dm from this guy on bumble and he was like he literally sent me a voice memo, which only sent me a voice memo. If it's funny, don't send me one like when you're waking up, it's not what you think it is. But he literally was like you're so beautiful. And I literally knew I wasn't ready because my first reaction was ew, ew. And then I promptly unmatched him and like, yes, it is so nice. He called me beautiful, but, um, I don't know, it's just, yeah, it's not. It's not it guys, I'm so sorry, but like, if you think that's it, holy shit, let's.

Kelly:

I think we need to do, like a, this is what you should do in dating, this is what you shouldn't do, um, but yeah, but like, every time I scroll through it is like the same men holding fish or blurry group shot photos, or blurry group photos, and you're not sure which one he is in the photo and for some reason he's always the not cute one. So sorry babes, so sorry babes, um, and then like prompts that literally probably chat gbt wrote or you know weird ted talks. But, uh, I also think I'm a bit jaded from my past a little bit, but I'm working on that. But I'm also not rushing. Um, not because I don't want love again, I, I do. But because I don't want love again, I do. But because I don't want another man child and I don't want to marry whoever happens to be standing there the next time my light blinks. So right now the work isn't dating, it's me and learning how not to fold myself in half just to be chosen, learning that being single isn't a punishment and that I don't have to settle for crumbs Because that crumb ooh, that sounds really good.

Kelly:

I was going to say that crumb is not a cake and then I thought of crumb cake. Crumb cake's fucking delicious. Sorry, I really think I have ADHD or something. I don't know. I don't know, I'm not diagnosed, but some may right. I know that.

Kelly:

But so was it really red flags or was I just 25? The truth is it was both. I ignored signs I shouldn't have because I was young and scared of being alone and thought love meant enduring misery. And I also married someone who was objectively manipulative and had the hygiene and everything. It was disgusting, let's just put it that way. It was disgusting, let's just put it that way. But both things can be true. But the point isn't to figure out which it was. The point is is that I survived and I learned from it, and now I can laugh about it and share it on a podcast.

Kelly:

But because if you're 25 and you're ignoring red flags and confusing timing for love, you're not broken. You're just young and one day you'll look back and realize you weren't crazy, you were just 25 and he was just trash and you can do so much better because somebody we're gonna we're gonna pull it back to episode I don't even know, but uh, we're pulling it back to. If he wanted to, he would. There is a man or woman or person out there for you and if they want to, they will. But, uh, that's it for today on uh, his loss hotline. But that's it for today on His Loss Hotline.

Kelly:

Thanks for spiraling with me through my early 20s roster and my ex-husband's BO and my current love-hate relationship with Hinge and Bumble, always, always and forever. But, yeah, follow me on TikTok and instagram for memes or feral stories or spirals to unhinged, for apple podcast or spotify podcasts I don't fucking know. Um and uh also hit that follow button on the pod so you don't miss me dragging men and myself every Tuesday. And please, please, please, oh. I don't know if I'll keep that singing part in, but please remember it's his loss. I'm sorry, but the person you called has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet. Goodbye.