His Loss Hotline

The Hard Truth: If He Wanted To, He Would

• Kelly • Season 1 • Episode 4

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“If he wanted to, he would.” It sounds simple, but it is the kind of truth that can knock the air out of you. Because most of us have spent nights convincing ourselves otherwise. Rereading texts like they are love letters, clinging to a half-hearted “good morning,” celebrating the bare minimum as if it were proof of effort.

The reality is not hidden between the lines. If you have to decode his actions, you already know. When someone truly wants you in their life, you do not have to wonder. You do not have to explain away the inconsistency or excuse the silence. Effort does not need translation.

We chase crumbs not because we are foolish, but because we were taught to fall for potential. The version of him who might show up one day. The fantasy of the relationship you could have if he just tried harder. Potential keeps us hooked, but it is a mirage. You cannot build a future on “maybe someday.”

The hardest part is separating his inability to love you from your own worth. His limitations are not your reflection. Protecting your peace is not cold. Wanting more is not dramatic. Refusing to shrink is not selfish. It is choosing to stay whole in a world that tells you to settle.

The bare minimum is not love. It is a distraction from the fact that you already have your answer.

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Kelly:

the number cannot be reached now, please hang up and try again later. Welcome back. If you made it here, again, congrats. This is the fourth episode, which is crazy. I'm very excited about it. It will be a brutal one, but welcome back to the His Loss Hotline, where we don't decode mixed signals. Okay, we delete them, we delete the thread, we block the number and then maybe like screenshot it and send it to all your friends because you know the girly pops need to know, so everyone can weigh in. Like we're a jury that's important. But I'm Kelly You're obviously your hotline operator and your walking red flag detector and a girl who used to spend actual hours making excuses for men who couldn't even follow through on a dinner plan I'm not talking about my ex, what On that note.

Kelly:

And today it's going gonna be a rough one. It's gonna be a kind of a wake-up call for some. Maybe. Um, it's something that I wish I took my own advice for. But you know, now we're now we're saying it on a podcast.

Kelly:

So, uh, we're talking about the phrase that has ended relationships. Um, made you start therapy, maybe rebuilt a little bit of self-worth all at once, but, uh, if he wanted to, he would, he would, yes, that dreaded phase, oh phrase Phase, fucking hell, because, okay, yes, sometimes he's busy, sometimes life is chaotic, but like 98% of the time he's just not showing up because he doesn't want to, and like that's the cold, hard truth. And, um, my delusional ass. I'm like no, no, but we'll get into that, we'll get into it. Um, and like, listen, I know that stings and I know it hits you right in the like, maybe he's different with me. I can change him like fantasy. That, I'm gonna be honest, we all kind of have, unless you're like, not saying I'm like not mentally well or you're mentally well, but like you know, I, yeah, I'll just leave it at that. Um, but like the second, you really get this and also, I'm still trying to get this. So it's just me talking through, like me processing everything. Um, it's almost like you know the in the movie, like the matrix, where you like take, take the red pill. I feel like it's suddenly like, you see, like every little breadcrumb for what it is, like it's not normal, it's not like your breadcrumb is not a meal, but we're going to get into it, let's do this. So let's be honest with ourselves. Let's be honest with ourselves. I'm gonna be honest right now.

Kelly:

Most of us have called crumbs a full course meal at least once in our life. Um, my marriage, what god? Someone keeps talking to this mic and it's not me. But uh, yeah, like excuses of. Like, he liked my instagram story oh my gosh, like he must like really like me. Or he's giving me a sign. Um, he texted miss you, but didn't ask to hang out, but clearly, like he's just working on himself he's busy. Um, he called me babe in a text Congratulations, you're official.

Kelly:

Unfortunately, as much as I wish those things were true, they're not. We. I definitely do this, but I know we do this. I hope well, I don't hope that you do these things. I just know like, I hope, well, I don't hope that you do these things.

Kelly:

I just know, like, based off of you know, my friends, um, tiktok and just experiences in life, we all kind of turn something that's nothing into something because we desperately want it to be something, and like that's okay, but it's okay not to accept that, because the longer you feed yourself crumbs, the hungrier you get and the more you start convincing yourself that maybe is better than no. But like, here's the truth. If you're constantly decoding someone's behavior and searching for signs instead of just receiving consistency or effort. You already have your answer and you don't have to accept the bare minimum Because when someone actually wants you in their life, you won't have to wonder. They will make it so inherently clear and like.

Kelly:

Here's the part that, like, most people don't really say out loud we don't chase the bare minimum because we're stupid or we're desperate or any of those things. We chase it because we've been conditioned to think we don't deserve more. And I really want that to like set in because we do deserve more. And we fill in those blanks of well, maybe he's scared of commitment, maybe he's just emotionally unavailable, maybe it's his trauma, maybe he likes me but doesn't know how to show it, and this can be in any situation. It doesn't just have to be like male, female, like it can be. Maybe she's scared of commitment, maybe she's just emotionally unavailable. Like we accept the love we think we deserve from people Shout out to what is that movie? Perks of a Wildflower. Is that right? I'll look it up later. But like maybe and I know this is like really brutal to say but like maybe he or them, they're just not that into you and maybe you deserve someone who is, because there is somebody out there for you, unless you're like a crazy psycho person there absolutely is somebody that will like not give you the bare minimum and will give you everything that, yes, no one's going to be perfect, no one will be perfect, but they will give you what you need to have a good, healthy relationship where you're not just begging for the bare minimum or worse.

Kelly:

I have so many stories of like and this is not just like my ex-husband, but like so many stories of men I've dated where I like got excited because he texted me good morning every day for a week, but like there was like no follow-up, no, how's your day? Just like the good morning. It was like, oh my God, do you guys remember like Tamagotchis? If you don't, they're like you had to keep them alive and if you like didn't constantly do stuff for them, they would just die. But like it honestly was like I was a Tamagotchi that he needed to keep alive, truly, yeah, like I almost gave him credit for that. Like okay, why? Because, like we make excuses, because if we admitted the truth that they're not choosing us, then we'd have to ask what that says about us and, if I'm being honest, that's terrifying. That's terrifying and so scary.

Kelly:

But like the twist is like their inability to love you doesn't make you unlovable, it just means they're not capable of showing up the way you need. But like you want to know what, if he wanted to, he would really is. I don't think it's a dig or like a punishment. I think it's freeing and it's clarity, like it's peace, essentially. I know that sounds weird because it's like contradictive of what we think in society, but it's the moment when you can like stop spiraling, you can stop waiting and stop convincing yourself that this time it will be different, because if he wanted to check in, he would have. If he wanted to be better, he would have. If he wanted to love you loudly, clearly and without the games, he would or they would have, whoever you're dating.

Kelly:

And since he didn't or they didn't, you get to stop twisting yourself into a smaller version, just so you'll be easier to love for them, because obviously that's not the right person for you. You can still grieve it and it will still be painful and you can still miss what you thought it could have been or what you had, but you don't have to beg for it anymore, because you deserve someone who makes it obvious and you know when you almost like, hold out hope and you almost say, like, maybe one day. It's not a like, that's not a relationship status like I know this sounds so fucked up, but like it's kind of a pacifier truly keeps you stuck in this daydream of potential while you're starving in reality, like I literally. I remember in college I had like the maybe one day guy, but this is like an actual maybe one day guy. Like he would say that, not me, so I'd be like. Or he he used to say, once work slows down, I'll have more time for us.

Kelly:

Like I literally dated in my life so many fucking losers there were some good guys too, for sure, but like so many fucking losers, like I literally think this man worked at Best Buy. Like what do you mean? Why are you busy? I don't know what the busy season is, okay, maybe in like December, but like I don't remember talking. The busy season is Okay, maybe in like December, but like I don't remember talking to him in December.

Kelly:

So I don't know what seasonal emergency you have from just showing up for me as a person, but like I think what I have done my whole life, and also maybe you have too is we fall in love with the idea of them, the future version that texts first and shows up and apologizes and changes. And yeah, those things can happen. It's rare but those things can happen if there's growth and there's change and things like that. But a lot of the times we're waiting for the good shoe to drop. Essentially, I think honestly we're waiting on potential. You're dating potential when you are waiting for that future version and you're dating his patterns.

Kelly:

Honestly, that was all of my marriage. I was married to his potential of who I could see in the future and who we were working for in the future. But that wasn't what was standing right in front of me and like, sometimes the most radical act of self-love is walking away before they like quote unquote get it. And because they might never get it, and because they might never get it, they might never get it. And are you going to sit around and wait until they get it? I'm not saying that you need to date the perfect person. There is no perfect person out there. That is just the hard, cold truth. But you are allowed to have that self-worth and say you know what I'm done dating or marrying potential. It is now my choice to choose me and make sure that my needs are being met the way that they need to be met. And you're not cold for protecting your peace and you're not dramatic for wanting more. And you're also not unlovable. You were just trying to be loved by someone who couldn't meet you there and that, like fantasy closure you've been waiting for it's not coming.

Kelly:

In a perfectly crafted paragraph. It starts with this truth, and I know it's brutal and I know this episode has been super brutal and kind of short, but the truth is like, if he wanted to, he would, or they would, but they didn't. So you do okay, you move, you heal, you get up and you dust yourself off, you grieve and you hang the fuck up because you need to do what is good for you, and that is not selfish of you. My codependence, or like my codependency, has always thought like I want to put others before myself, which is great, but to the detriment of myself, is not healthy, and I think that's something that a lot of us, especially as women, struggle with in relationships. And I may be the only one, and so be it, but I, I doubt I am hopefully I don't know, maybe not, hopefully I don't wish bad things on on the girlies ever, um, but sometimes you have to hang up and that's okay.

Kelly:

Um, I know this episode was not like the cute like ha ha, hee, hee episode usually, um, but I think it's really important, at least it's really important to like my health and your health and just learning that it's okay not to accept the bare minimum anymore. I think we're getting to a place, especially in society, where women don't have to do that. And I know I know like that's like kind of radical in ways but that's like kind of radical in ways but it's not that crazy to do. But like that was this week's episode of His Loss Hotline, so sorry for not many laughs, but like I can tell you more traumatic stories about my life that will make you laugh if that helps. But like, if you're still rationalizing his behavior, their behavior, or rereading old text or convincing yourself he might come around, just know you really don't need to decode mixed signals when the message is already so clear. And that is okay. And that is okay.

Kelly:

Let them go and let it hurt and let yourself heal with dignity of someone who finally knows what they're worth this whole episode, and even the idea of if he wanted to, he would is just knowing your self-worth. Like I honestly want this episode to be like, when you're sitting down with your girls and your friend almost has like a truth that she just wants to tell you and it's just you pouring your heart out to your friends, like that's what this podcast is truly about. But also like especially this one, because it's something I've learned through a lot of therapy, a lot of dating, my marriage and TikTok. I know TikTok's not like everything, but it does, you know, does have a lot of content, a lot of people on it, so some wise people, some not so, but we love TikTok. But it's just finally knowing what you're worth, and I think that's beautiful, because I do think you are worth so much, so much. And if no one's told you that, I'm so sorry, but it's so true. I don't even know you and I know it's true Because no one deserves the bare minimum they don't. So if you like this, follow us on TikTok and Instagram at girlhangup, for, like, maybe some wisdom and some breakup spirals or memes or whatever I feel like posting because I'm chaotic and maybe, if you want to, you could leave a five star review on Spotify or Apple Music or Apple Music, apple Podcast Wow, that was a struggle.

Kelly:

Wherever you get your podcasts. Wow, that was a struggle. Wherever you get your podcasts, I would really appreciate it. But, like I'm here for you, girls, the girly pops, girls, gays and theys, but please always, always, always, remember it's his loss. I'm sorry, but the person you called has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet. Goodbye.