His Loss Hotline
His Loss Hotline is the podcast for anyone who’s been ghosted, gaslit, blindsided, or just finally stopped shrinking to stay in something small. Whether you left a marriage, an almost-marriage, or a situationship that had no business lasting that long, this is where the real talk lives.
Come for the unhinged voicemails, stay for the stories, the advice, the “wtf” moments, and the group chat-level honesty about what it really means to walk away and start over.
Call in. Sound off. Hang up. It's his loss.
His Loss Hotline
Breakup Court: The People vs. Your Exes
Court is in session, babes.
This week’s Breakup Court docket might be the wildest yet.
We’ve got stolen cats held hostage for months.
Situationship landlords who ghost when you won’t co-sign their lease.
Exes mailing invoices for “dating expenses.”
Wedding invites sent to the very person they dumped over text.
And even utility bills you didn’t know you were still paying.
The iced coffee is strong.
The gavel is louder.
And the audacity is truly Olympic-level.
Buckle up for an episode that will make you laugh, rage, and maybe send a strongly worded text you’ll definitely regret as we hand down emotional justice, one outrageous case at a time.
the number cannot be reached now, please hang up and try again later. Welcome back to His Loss Hotline, where heartbreak gets cross-examined and delusion is dismissed and your ex is officially on trial. I'm obviously Kelly, if you didn't know that by now. I'm obviously Kelly, if you didn't know that by now. Your host, but also your breakup best friend, I guess. And today your judge, your jury and your emotional executioner.
Kelly:Dun-dun, I bought a little fuck-ass gavel. Amazon really has got that stuff. If I was going to do a video recording of my podcast, I would have bought one of those fuck ass uk wigs, um, you know, the ones that look like george washington. Yeah, I would have been iconic, but we're not there yet. But today you've entered breakup court. Should I? Should I do the fuck ass gavel again? It doesn't really sound like what it does on, like law and order. Oh, okay, maybe it does. That might have been really loud, um, but uh, let the record show. I've got my gavel, obviously from amazon. Um, it's really cheap too. Um, my iced coffee and uh, pretty much zero patience for situationship bullshit. But uh, yeah, I wish I was wearing the robe and the george washington wig, but uh, I'm not. But I'll still judge your cases. But here's how it works you send me your cases and I read the evidence and then I issue a verdict. This is 100% legally binding, but only in the court of public opinion, because I'm no expert and don't sue me in any sense of the word. And yeah, so let's proceed.
Kelly:I'm trying to also be a little bit more dramatic in this episode because, uh, let's be real. Here we're in court, so, uh, let's get fucking examined. No, that sounds weird. Let's get I don't know what is the word prosecuted, that doesn't. I don't know. Whatever, let's proceed. Let's start strong, okay, with a story. I really, when I read this, I was like holy, fucking shit. Um, and I'm naming them or I'm trying to, but this one's called the cat napping and gaslighting. I really tried to rhyme things that didn't rhyme at all, but whatever, I don't fucking care. But this is like truly reads like a psychological thriller or warfare, I'm not really sure. So here's the submission, hey, kelly.
Kelly:So I was with this guy for three years. We lived together for the last year and I had a cat that I adopted before we met. After we broke up, I told him he could come grab his stuff while I was at work. To avoid a scene, he took his PS5 and my cat Just left a note saying he thought he'd be she'd be better off with him because I seemed too emotional. Lately I freaked out, called, texted, even drove to his new place. He blocked me. I finally got her back after his new girlfriend messaged me, feeling bad three, three months later, holy shit. Meanwhile he's telling people I'm unstable for harassing him Like I didn't just want my cat back.
Kelly:Okay, so, first of all, what the actual fuck? Second, emotional instability for wanting your own living, breathing cat. You're actually you're joking Like my ex was like oh, you can have, you can have. We shared a dog. Well, I still have her. Her name's Roxy, but she's my emotional support dog, uh, legally. So I was like there's gonna be no fight here. Um, I legally own her. So, whatever you want to do with that information, you can. But I would have fought for Roxy all day, all day long, because, honestly, pets are part of the family. Duh, most of the time, right now, pets are actually replacing children with because no one can afford shit. We can kind of afford pets, but let's be real here. Um, but uh, yeah, I would be unwell. I would be unwell too, babes.
Kelly:Um, also, like to steal a cat, I think is fucking crazy. Like he didn't do it for like your cat's own good. He took it because, like he physically could remove something from your life. And like disguised control as concern, so like it's bullshit. Essentially, like weaponizing your emotions so that when you react like a normal human being, he gets to sit there and say like oh, she's so crazy. I'm so calm and collected, like, shut the fuck up. You stole a fucking cat. My verdict Okay, I hope this is not too loud. That was really fucking loud. I don't know if it's coming off loud or not. I don't know how judges do it, but guilty in all counts Gaslighting, catnapping, I don't know.
Kelly:Slander, I guess. Is that what we're calling it? My sentence 100 hours of supervised community service in a vet's office, um, but I wouldn't want to do that to anyone's vet office. Um, because they're true, they're true heroes. Um, so you're just gonna be trash, essentially, um, the man's gonna be trash, obviously, um, but he from now on will be referred to as the man who stole a cat in a breakup for the rest of his life. And, uh, I would love a public apology.
Kelly:Um, and shame. You know that? What like one? Um, that one scene from I almost said lord of the rings, oh, from I almost said Lord of the Rings, oh my God. I almost said Lord of the Flies. That's a book, holy shit. What is the one with the frost giant? Not the frost giant, the frost king? Oh shit, I got to look this up. Hold on, hold on Game of Thrones. My bad, it's been a hot sec since I watched Game of Thrones, but 10 out of 10 except season I think it was eight, the last season Trash.
Kelly:But they always go shame, shame, shame. So like, make that his ringtone or just keep him blocked. Actually, no, just keep him blocked. Holy fucking shit. But yeah, you don't deserve. Don't deserve that, babes. I'm so sorry that happened, but at least you got your cat back. Um, so this next one is also crazy. They just keep getting worse. Okay, um, I'm gonna call it. You're not my girlfriend, but can you sign this? Um? So this is what the submission reads.
Kelly:We were in a situationship for like nine months. He kept saying he wasn't ready for a relationship, but we acted like one Dates, sleepovers, emotional support, all of it. I even helped him rewrite his resume after he got laid off. Girl, you're better than me. Then, out of nowhere, nowhere, he asked to co-sign on his lease. Holy fuck, not move in, just sign. Oh, I said no and he said I was abandoning him and clearly didn't care. Then he ghosted me. Two weeks later, two weeks is in all cap, all caps. Um, he posted some girl soft launch style in the apartment. I'm unwell. I'm unwell too, babes.
Kelly:Like, sir, make it make sense. You won't commit to to her, to the title, but like you'll commit to a legally binding, like financial obligation as a lease, or like ruining her credit or some shit. He literally like in my opinion was like saying he's emotionally unavailable, but like let me ruin your financial life real quick. Like, get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here, um.
Kelly:But let's be clear here this wasn't romance. This was either a go fund me disguised as a situation ship um, because he wanted a sponsor, or he wanted his mommy, because that's what it truly sounds like. I'm not saying anything. In my old relationship, um was like this, but it was exactly like this. He wanted a mommy, not a partner. What? Who said that? That was crazy. My verdict Guilty. Am I supposed to do that after I don't know. I think I need to watch more TV instead of doom scrolling TikTok. And I was going to lie and say Instagram, but I'm never really on there. I was gonna lie and say Instagram, but I'm never really on there. Let's be real, I'm on TikTok in an insane amount. An insane amount, but also it's like for my job, so that's my excuse. Um, his sentence he must now co-sign his mom's lease because he wants a mommy and explain to all future dates why he's. I'm gonna make up a number here, like 34 and still asking women to help with the rest his resume and job applications. Um, but like, let's be real, here he was using you for your credit score because his was probably fucking ass. So sorry babes, god, really these submissions are. They kill me. They kill me.
Kelly:This one case three is diabolical, diabolical. The wedding invite that should have been a restraining order, crazy, okay, so the submission goes. Okay. My ex of four years all caps broke up with me via text. Six months later I get an invite to his wedding, like a formal mailed invite, with a little handwritten note that said hope you can come. I didn't respond. You are mature and incredible for that. He followed up saying he'd love if he, if I, could help pick the playlist and give input, since I always had good taste. I said absolutely not and he replied that I was being bitter and clearly hadn't grown since the breakup. Sir, be serious. Okay, haven't grown. You're fucking with me, right? Also, it's been six months and you're already like, engaged in getting married. That's's wild. That's wild also imagine like inviting someone you dumped via text to your wedding and then like acting shocked that they don't want to choose your shit ass music. Like you know, it's gonna be some. Like I love bruno mars, but he's so overplayed at um weddings and ed sheeran don't love him as much, but you know he's friends with taylor swift, so that's okay, um. Or like the classic classic white people, you know, shut up and dance that song. Or Sweet Caroline oh, classic, but Verdict Guilty, guilty of delusion, weaponized flattery and I'm going to say like emotional fraud and his sentence May his wedding playlist only contain Ed Sheeran songs. No skips, sucks to suck, sorry, ed sheeran.
Kelly:Okay, exhibit four is it exhibit four? Case four, close enough, I don't know. I'm not a fucking lawyer, guys. Um, I'm a judge.
Kelly:But uh, after a breakup, my ex mailed me an actual invoice for expenses he claimed he spent on me during our relationship Dinners, gas, even the Christmas gift he bought me. It totaled $1,242. He said if I didn't pay him back he'd take legal action against me. I ignored it. He then, venmo, requested me for the same amount with a note saying time to be an adult. Okay, girl, this is so similar to what my ex tried to do to me.
Kelly:Um, he well, first off, he tried to get alimony in our year and a half. Um, alimony in our year and a half, like a year and a half of marriage, which in California you really only get alimony if you've been married for 10 years. Babes, we were married for a year and a half and he only was trying to get alimony because he was a broke bitch. He was a broke bitch, but also, we'll go back. We'll go back to your case. This is not my case, but really really saw some similarities right there.
Kelly:Okay, first of all, a fucking invoice. What are we like? You're not a business, okay, fuck off. What are we like? You're not a business, okay, fuck off. And like you couldn't just text it but a printed document and with, I'm assuming, line items. There was no picture involved in this submission. But like you think he like used microsoft word or like used a canva template, because that's fucking insane, dude. Also, like, imagine opening your mail and you're expecting, like whatever the fuck, an anthropology catalog or what's another place bed, bath and beyond like coup and you get a bill for gas money from like 2022. Like, be so fucking for real right now. Also, let's talk about that Venmo note. I think that's so funny.
Kelly:Not that he put time to be an adult, but the only contact I have with my ex is through email, um, which is an email I don't use. It's pretty much nolan void, but we have a loan together and um venmo. So I understand the stupid petty venmo shit more than you know, girl, but uh, time to be an adult. What, sir? If adulthood was like invoicing your ex for like mozzarella sticks, then none of us would exist. Be so fucking for real right now. Why is this like making me angry?
Kelly:Um verdict, guilty, guilty of extortion I know big words, guys um fraud, fraud and um being a fucking clown. Like what else? What else? Um sentence? You must reimburse every woman uh he's ever dated. He must uh with interest for, I'm assuming, time therapy and, uh, whatever else. They wasted on him, holy fucking fucking shit, and work customer service at cracker barrel for one year, so he truly understands the costs of meals. I don't know, I don't want to insult like chili's or something, because chili's has the. What is that? The four for four? I don Whatever. The mozzarella sticks are bomb there. So I'm not going to, I'm not going to call them out, because I love them. Well, I've had them like once in the past two years, but I still love them. Okay, we have our last and final submission for this episode.
Kelly:This one's a doozy. So my ex moved out after our breakup but somehow kept my name on the electric and internet bills for four months. I didn't notice right away because it was paying auto pay and I was just assuming the charges were mine. I only found out when I called the internet company about an outage and they said the address on file was his new apartment. When I confronted him he said well, I just figured you wouldn't mind, since you have a good job, are you fucking? Oh my God, why does that Like? I think my blood is boiling. I don't know, is that being dramatic A little bit? First off, a good job. I'm not a like you're sorry, I almost said I'm not a You're. You're not like a bank, a nonprofit, like you have your own bank account. Babes, like fuck off with that bullshit. My bank account is not like a community resource, nor should it be. Also, like the entitlement of assuming someone's going to sponsor your like utilities post breakup I think is insane, like truly, I feel like this is like financial manipulation with like laziness essentially, does. The question I really want to know is like a follow up Does this man even have a job? Because it feels like it feels like he doesn't.
Kelly:But my verdict guilty'll notice. They're all guilty because these submissions wild, but uh, I'm gonna say guilty of being a leech, a mooch, we're gonna call mooch um. Unauthorized utility usage, obviously, and weaponized incompetence a classic favorite of a lot of, actually all of these men, a lot of them actually Sentence you must live without Wi-Fi for an entire year and explain to every date why he's streaming, why they're streaming TV on a cracked iPhone with one bar of service. I think that's absolutely diabolical. He did that to you also. Like when it comes to money, yeah, that is so fucked, that's so fucked. Okay, like my. These are my final rulings.
Kelly:But, uh, I know I know breakups already hurt, but like they don't need to come with these side quests of like stupid shit like theft or invoices, or like wedding dj, what is that called consultations? Also, you're not crazy for reacting to mistreatment and you're also, like, not bitter for refusing to participate in someone's revisionist history and you're also not cold for protecting your peace, because that is some utter bullshit there. But that's it today for today's breakup court. Oh, that one, I think, sounded kind of good, but we'll see in post, whatever. But next week we're stepping out of the courtroom and straight into a reality check, which I think is messed up of me, but I need it. So it's called If he called, if he wanted to, he would, but he didn't.
Kelly:Yeah, just let that sink in AKA, the episode that might actually make you finally stop decoding mixed signals Like it's a full-time job. Um, and the lessons I learned in the saying if he wanted to, he would. We're talking bread crumbing, bare minimum energy, and why. Why you already have your answer, even if you hate it, unfortunately, because I saw it and now you get to see it. Um, if you love today's chaos, send it to your group chat. Please leave a five star rating and follow us on tiktok and instagram at girl hang up for all things chaos and hot takes and whatever the fuck else.
Kelly:I feel like sharing because I don't have a plan and it's kind of fun. I feel like sharing because I don't have a plan and it's kind of fun. But also I will be posting more cross examinations. I do know that from my law and order SVU knowledge. I hope you loved the episode and thanks for listening and please always remember it's his loss listening and please always remember it's his loss. I'm sorry, but the person you called has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet. Goodbye.