His Loss Hotline

You Don't Need Bangs to Prove You're Healing

• Kelly • Season 1 • Episode 2

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What happens after you hang up on a relationship? Not the curated, Pinterest-board version. The real, messy aftermath. The crying in your car, forgetting to eat, avoiding his side of town kind of aftermath.

Breakups, especially divorces, can turn you into an accidental public figure overnight. People start refreshing your Instagram like it’s breaking news: photos gone, thirst traps up, maybe even bangs. There is pressure to make your healing look good, to perform it like you have it all figured out when inside you are just trying to survive the day.

The truth is the quiet, unglamorous days are where it actually happens. The ones that feel like nothing is changing. Where you are not crying, not thriving, not having some big epiphany. You are just existing. That is where you start to unlearn the lies. That missing them means you made the wrong choice. That strong people do not fall apart. That you are “behind” if you are not already thriving.

This episode is your permission to let it be ugly, uneven, and yours. Because the middle, the messy unposted part, is where the real healing lives.

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Kelly:

the number cannot be reached now. Please hang up and try again later. Oh hi, welcome back to His Loss Hotline, the podcast where we talk about breakups and spirals and the kind of healing that doesn't really look like a TikTok montage. I wish it did, because it would be a lot easier if it was like a TikTok montage. Last week I told you why I finally hung up my very unglamorous, very real exit from my marriage. This week I want to talk about what comes after you hang up. It's not going to be pretty. So the crying, the chaos, the attempts at like reinvention and like looking put together. And yeah, because the truth is, when you picture healing in your head, you probably kind of imagine the calm part at the end, just like peaceful mornings and coffee and perfect skin and a sense of self-worth essentially self-worth essentially. But you don't get there by skipping the part where you're spiraling and crying. And you know Googling. Is it normal to cry this much at 3am? I'm not saying I've done that, but I'm not saying I haven't. So, uh, we're going to get into it. I have my McDonald's Diet Dr Pepper. I was a Diet Coke girl, but I've been on a Diet Dr Pepper kick um recently and I'm armed with that and, uh, my brain. So we're in for, we're in for a treat.

Kelly:

Well, breakups, like truly, especially divorces, um, honestly, it kind of feels like you turn into like a public figure overnight. Um, I know that sounds so dramatic, but you know you've stalkeded. You've stalked those like friends or like acquaintances that all of a sudden their um bio changes or their there's no last name and in their um username, people truly treat your pain like it's a storyline they get to follow and like I'm gonna be honest, I've done it too where I've looked at other people's. But now you're the person, um, they think, or at least I've looked for. Like, has she deleted the pictures? Did she post a thirst trap? Did she change her username? Oh, my god, she got bangs. I didn't get bangs, I did get extensions and some tattoos after my divorce. But like that was because, honestly, fuck it. But like even people you really haven't talked to since high school like suddenly pop up and they're like hey, babe, just checking in, which is code for? Hey, tell me everything about your life and give me all the drama. And hey, now I'm just doing that on a podcast. So why the fuck not? But like.

Kelly:

At first you might play into it, maybe like posting a hot selfie or like a cryptic quote, which I've done, which is so embarrassing to say. But you know, you know healing is weird. But like you make it look like you're, you're fine, because being fine feels safer than letting people see you unravel. And, like I've said before, like grief is not linear, I I fucking wish it was linear. I literally told, told my therapist. I said if grief was linear, my life would be so much easier because then I could know, you know what's coming next or how I feel or what I'm doing. But I it's not. There's no roadmap for it.

Kelly:

And and when you're healing kind of with an audience, it's so easy to start performing for them. You kind of edit your emotions to be palatable and you only post on your quote, unquote, like good days. You start thinking, yeah, so there's a correct order to this and, spoiler, there's really not. Unfortunately, like I said, there's no formula for healing. I wish I truly wish there was. But also it's kind of like where the most growth you have is in the traumatic middle, unfortunately, and sometimes you think you're past it and then a song you haven't heard since high school maybe comes on and you're sobbing, you're sobbing, I. This literally happened to me the other night. This is so embarrassing and I'm like a year out of my like filing for divorce. My divorce was finalized this year in February but Taylor Swift came on. Obviously it's going to be a Taylor Swift song. It's um LOML, which is love of my life, but it's supposed to be loss of my life. Essentially it's this whole song about how, um, you are the loss of their life and things like that.

Kelly:

But I was watching the Summer, I Turned Pretty, and they played a Billie Eilish song. I think it was episode four or something and then I played that Billie Eilish song because it was really fucking sad. And then I played that Taylor Swift song and all of a sudden I just started sobbing, fucking sobbing, and I haven't done that in such a long time, such a long time. And I even talked to my therapist about it and said like it feels like I'm almost kind of going backwards. And he's like that's not it at all. That's actually you going through your grief and feeling it and healing. But I won't get into how I also put my wedding dress on. That was like very dramatic and was a choice, not a very good one. It did actually make me stop crying, which I don't know what that says about me, whatever. Um, but like here's, like the the truth of it all. It's like you don't have to look like you're healing to actually be healing you. You don't even have to explain your progress. You can disappear and come back for like six or like come back six months later or something with bangs, maybe a tattoo, a new lease and like no PowerPoint presentation on where you've been.

Kelly:

After I filed for divorce, my life was basically split into realities. So there was like technically like, the internal reality. So it was like the grief, the trauma, the processing, the fact that every conversation with him was like almost like like a mental landmine in a way. And then there was the external reality. There were bills, leases, people waiting for updates. Honestly, it felt like a celeb for a hot sec, not really, um, maybe if it was like specifically for heartbreak, but like I had, as I mentioned, two therapists, not because I was thriving, but because I was unraveling. One worked with the actual trauma, the other, essentially, was my life support therapist.

Kelly:

Shout out, earl Earl's, a legend in my family and also in my group of friends, they know him too. Sounds really weird, but if you know, you know, you know. But the strangest part was thinking about my relationship so much, about how I missed him and how I missed being with him. But that's kind of the power of manipulation, in a way you can know something's right and kind of still feel guilty for it, for leaving. I I did at the beginning have a lot of shame and a lot of guilt for leaving and I don't know. You know you remember the worst moments and still mourn the version of him you wanted to exist or you thought existed, but unfortunately it wasn't the truth. And this is where, like, I started realizing something and I think more people need to hear it Healing is not just about feeling better.

Kelly:

It's about rewiring the lies you were taught to believe, lies like if it was really that bad, you wouldn't miss him. Strong people don't fall apart. I truly think the strongest people fall apart um, you're only doing well if other people can see you're doing well. Those lies really keep you stuck and untangling them is the is the real work of grief. But, like, here's what no one tells you.

Kelly:

Healing in public can make you feel like you have to brand your recovery. And I think that's so dangerous Because the second you attach your worth to how I guess together you look, to how I guess together you look, or like you keep telling yourself you're fine. You kind of stop telling yourself the truth when you heal privately. You can actually have bad days without feeling like you're breaking the rules in some way. You can spiral without wondering who's screenshotting it in a way and sending it to their friends because we've all done it. And also, yes, sometimes sharing is so helpful. I obviously believe in that because I'm talking about it. I think it's so important to share and not be alone and have community. But you should never feel like your healing has to be like aesthetically pleasing or content worthy to be valid, because the truth is the boring days matter more than like the crazy flashy ones, the days when you just exist. Those don't really get the like, attention or the love of it all. But that's kind of where that rewiring happens, or at least for me and what my therapist has told me.

Kelly:

I'm also not a licensed therapist. This is just my thoughts and feelings. So please, please, take my advice. But also, I'm not trying to ruin your life in any way, shape or form and I don't know. You know, when someone gives you advice and then at the end you go, uh, yeah, but like you know, do what you want, or like I don't know, that's because you're scared, if it doesn't work out for them, that they'll blame you. So please don't blame me. I'm just trying to give you my thoughts and my feelings essentially. So I know this sounds cheesy in a way, but like I kind of want to give whoever's listening to this like permission slips. Like you know how we got permission slips when we were a child and I'm not saying I may or may not have forged my parents signature sometime, but I definitely did. But like it's fine, I'm a grown adult now, but these permission slips are like things I wish someone kind of had given me, in a way. So I have like five that I really think are helpful.

Kelly:

So one you don't have to post about it. That means your progress doesn't need an audience essentially to be real. Two you can miss them and still be done. Missing someone doesn't mean you made the wrong choice. It honestly means you're human and you're grieving. You're allowed to have setbacks. Well, they shouldn't even be called setbacks, because you go two weeks without crying and then you're falling apart again. That's not a failure, it's grief. And, like I've said, like grief is not linear, um, you don't, oh, sorry, four, you don't have to be inspiring holy shit while you heal.

Kelly:

I think this is really important, especially in the age of social media. But essentially, you're not a TED Talk, you're not an Instagram filter, but like, shout out, rio de Janeiro, is that? Yeah, that's the Instagram filter, that's my internet girly kicking in. But you're a person, you're allowed to feel the way you feel and, oh God, it almost rhymed. Heal the way you heal, that's so horrible. And then this one was really difficult for me. But number five your healing timeline is not a competition. Nobody wins a prize for the most healed person in five months or a month or whatever.

Kelly:

Everyone's healing is different. Like you could get over it so fast, and that's incredible, I love that. But also it could take you years, and that's also incredible, and I love that for you. You just have to fully process those feelings and emotions and talk about it with people. But like you don't have to put on a show for anybody.

Kelly:

Ugly stage is really where that magic is. Unfortunately, it's the part where you're just, I guess, surviving and you don't notice you're slowly getting stronger until you look back on it. It's honestly also the part that teaches you the most how to self-soothe, or how to find comfort that isn't in him, or how to be, for me, less codependent and how to not choose somebody who is a dependent, who, you know, just takes and takes and takes um. And also like how to be okay with being misunderstood, or like the villain in their story is really important as well, like that is the ugly stage in the process. So let your healing be uneven and let it be ugly. That's so fucked up to say, but it's true, but just like, let it be what you need it to be and that's okay. So that's kind of it for this week of uh, his loss hotline.

Kelly:

If this episode hit for you, send it to your friends please. Now. Now, instead of begging I'm gonna be threatening, send it to your friends or post it on your story. Um, also, should I threaten the follow girl? Hang up on instagram and tiktok. That didn't sound like a threat. That more sounded like me struggling to talk. But, um, yeah, follow us.

Kelly:

We have some wisdom sometimes. We have memes all the time and you know the spirals and the uh, the ugly stage of it all. Um, we really put it out there for everyone to see, but whatever. But uh, also, if you got a breakup story or a divorce story you want to share, you can send it an honest, anonymously. Annan annan for those reddit reddit people I need to really get into reddit, but I heard it's like it's crazy but, uh, you can submit those at girlhangupcom and, um, I hope you really enjoyed this episode. I really enjoyed kind of spilling all everything that came out of my head essentially, but, uh, new episodes every tuesday and always remember it's his loss. I'm sorry, but the person you called has a voice mailbox that has not been set up yet. Goodbye.