His Loss Hotline

The Hang Up That Changed Everything

• Kelly • Season 1 • Episode 1

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Before the podcast. Before the brand. Before the healing ever started. I was just a 27-year-old trying to make it through the day.

In this first episode of His Loss Hotline, I’m sharing what really happened. How the marriage ended. What it felt like to leave someone who kept breaking me. And how Girl, Hang Up became the thing I built when I had nothing else.

This didn’t come from clarity. It came from chaos.
 And this podcast is for anyone who’s still in the middle of it.

If you’ve ever begged for bare minimum, second-guessed your sanity, or lost yourself just trying to keep someone else happy, you’re not alone.

I am just being real and I’m talking about it.

Send us a text

Kelly:

the number cannot be reached now. Please hang up and try again later. So, okay, I, uh, I guess we're fucking doing this. Welcome to his loss hotline. Yeah, maybe I'll like, in post, add some like cheering or some shit.

Kelly:

Um, I don't really have like the perfect tagline for this or for you, but it's a podcast and it's about essentially, breakups, spirals, healing and talking about that one ex who genuinely made you question whether you were the problem or you know, just finally seeing the truth. You weren't, though spoiler alert, you fucking weren't. Um, I can already tell. Well, actually I don't know, but, like, maybe, if you tell me your situation, it most likely wasn't you babes, um, um, but uh, I'm kelly, your exes and also my ex's worst nightmare, your breakup bestie and, uh, unfortunately, your proof that you can get married and get divorced and, you know, start a podcast about it. But uh, yeah, this is for the, the girlies, the gays and the days, and if you've ever stared at your phone mid anxiety spiral, wondering truly, if you, if you're losing your mind because, uh, same, but uh, if you ever, it's, also, if you've ever loved somebody so much you forget how to love yourself, because, also same, unfortunately. But uh, we're gonna start here. We're gonna start with my story how we got here, why I created girl hang up, why the fuck I stayed, but also why I left, and uh, why this pod, kit whoa, and why this podcast exists at all. Um, so, uh, let's get into it. It's gonna get crazy. I'm excited so, honestly, this tragic story, I don't know tragedy. Well, divorce is cunty but, um, also tragic in a way. But, uh, it starts off in a pretty tragic way.

Kelly:

We met on hinge. Yeah, yeah, that, that fuck ass app dude. Getting back on there after being not being on it for so long, I forgot how much I hate it and how much the likes you know, you know the hinge likes you get. It's honestly offensive like it's offensive. Like, don't ever show me that hinge. I think your algorithm is fucked. But, um, you know, if they ever want a sponsorship, I'll say it's decent ish, maybe not really. I don't think I would lie. I, I don't think I could do it, even if it was money. But uh, yeah, it was a modern love story, I guess. Truly, it wasn't love, not like the healthy, healthy kind anyway, even though I thought it was. But at that time it felt easy.

Kelly:

He was kind of hard to read, which made him seem deep in a way, which fucking hilarious in hindsight because I'm not even sure that man ever read a book, like truly read a book, like I truly think the only thing he read was like an Xbox game, like the, like the little one of those inserts called those little game sayings. I think that's the only thing he fucking read. But like, he told me he was emotionally mature, he told me he wanted real love. But uh, looking back, he like rarely gave me words of affirmation like ever, which that might not be his love language, but it's something that I, you know, eventually had to ask him, like how he felt about me, or if he thought I was, you know, pretty, or like I was like begging for just like these little tiny and he crumbs, like he gave me just enough to stay, like a few cute dates, like here and there A joke that made me laugh, and like laughing with him felt really important at the time. It felt easy Because I think I was like trying so hard to convince myself it was working, um, but he wasn't pouring into me and I didn't obviously didn't see it clearly then because I stayed.

Kelly:

I saw it clearly after my divorce. But I think I stayed because, honestly, my self-esteem was so low, um, lower than I thought or realized, and honestly, because I thought if I just loved him the right way, it would get better, it would be healthy, it would just be everything that I needed it to be. Um, but, uh, if you couldn't tell, because we're sitting here talking about divorce is spoiler it didn't happen. So, but, yeah, the beginning of our relationship was semi good, I guess, um, and then you know, we got engaged. Um, then, I think a year later, we got married. So we had been together, I think a total of five and a half years or something. I might be botching that, but, um, but like a year and a half into our marriage, he essentially hit me with an ultimatum Um, like out of the blue, truly, there was like no conversation, no, like warning signs, just like if this doesn't improve by the end of our lease and he was telling me this, I think in June I'm not sure the exact year because it all blends together at this point, but maybe it was 2024. If it doesn't get better by the end of the lease, which was in February 2025, we're going to have some know conversations about our relationship and where this is going and all that thing.

Kelly:

And I literally had, first off, no idea what the fuck he was talking about and second, like I started to panic. I had a panic attack like full body panic attack, like shaking, couldn't breathe. I didn't know what was happening. Essentially, my marriage was falling apart right in front of my eyes and I had no fucking idea how we got to this place, what was happening, like so many different things. Like so many different things.

Kelly:

Um and I this is probably for a little bit later, but he texted his ex-girlfriend about my panic attack and pretty much said that he thinks that I blame my mental health or lean on it too much, and literally gave her like a play-by-play of my panic attack, like it was gossip and that it was okay to share that. Like that is extremely personal. If you've ever had a panic attack and the last panic attack I think I had was in college, which it had it's been a hot sec. Um, so, long story short, I found messages later of him texting his ex before this. Um, like sometimes, he said, sometimes I think, what if? To her? Like alluding to like what if they ended up together, which I thought was so fucked up because you were literally what married to me you ended up with. You know me, so it's kind of like a little.

Kelly:

Another like part of the story is like I confronted him about it and he refused to block her, even though originally I it, and he refused to block her, even though originally I didn't want him to block her because I didn't want to be controlling or anything. But essentially he started or was emotionally cheating on me with her um, looking at some of the text messages, and then he ended up after I asked him to block her, after I found out that he had Instagram DM, dm to her something that said like you can only relate to someone who really, like, understands you and you only really understand me, or something, something crazy like that. I was like can you block her? Because I don't think that's appropriate, and the wording I literally used was that is disgusting, that is disgusting, and he refused. He refused essentially, said I was overreacting, that I was crazy. He never would emotionally cheat on me and it wasn't emotionally cheating and, uh, essentially made me feel insane for being hurt. So which was like obvious, classic, like gaslighting. But it worked for a while and I started to believe him, but like. But it worked for a while and I started to believe him, but, like, after this started happening and this, like he's giving me the ultimatum, and then I found out about this girl.

Kelly:

I still tried to fix it. You know, I'm not going to run away from my marriage. I know that was kind of not that it was stupid, but like I loved this person, like I wanted a future with this person. And also, side note, we will never be mentioning his name. He will go by Voldemort, aka he who shall not be named. But like I was thinking, people go through hard seasons, like this is just a hard season. We'll go. How about we do couples therapy? We'll talk it out and we'll really, you know, grow from it as a couple.

Kelly:

Um, which he agreed to couples counseling, which I took as a win, um, he literally did two sessions. He literally did two sessions. Two sessions there was one with me and one without me, because the therapist wanted to see him alone to really get a gauge on him. And, uh, yeah, he. Then, essentially, by that time I had offered him up my spot of therapy because at that time I was seeing two different therapists twice a week and talking to his mentor to really try to figure out how I can fix the marriage or we can fix the marriage. But it was just essentially me putting in the work. But I offered it to him because he was on my health insurance and I said, here, totally, you can take the spot, I know you have a lot to talk about with him if you don't want to do couples counseling.

Kelly:

And he refused. He said no, he had nothing left to say. He said that he wouldn't even know what to say to the therapist at all because he doesn't bring his this is word for word, he doesn't bring his trauma into his relationships. And I said, wow, okay, in my head I said what the actual, actual fuck, that's exactly what's happening here. But uh, yeah, he didn't want to go back, didn't see the point.

Kelly:

Um, I, I was shocked, truly, I was unraveling. I was still trying to fix our relationship because I loved him and I wanted him to get help. I wanted to get help. I wanted our relationship to get help. Um, he didn't have the health insurance cause he only worked part time. Um, which is hilarious because he later blamed me for that, because he literally said in a text messages. A text message that he never got a full time job, um, because and it was my fault, because I wanted him to be happy. That is literally the words my therapist said he's, he's been in therapy or like, done therapy for 30 to 40 years. He said he's never heard that in his 30 to 40 years. I said you're welcome, I'm full of them, but anyway, yeah, he refused to help. He shut down, he started locking his iPad, not sharing any of his passwords Well, changed them all Hiding things, he turned off his location.

Kelly:

I think the most hurtful for me was sending screenshots of our text messages to mutual friends to make me look like the bad guy, um, and like I won't even say the wording that he used, but like, truly, I was devastated, um, of what he was saying about me to people, trying to paint me as this evil, evil person and like he just wanted sympathy and he got it out of some people, not our mutual friends, but he literally was reaching out to my friends trying to paint me as this evil person and that was fucking insane. Insane to me, because all he wanted was support and love and he got some of it, but some people called him all on his bullshit and for that I love you guys. But from the outside, like he truly looked fine, but like like I was falling apart, I was the one that felt like what is happening? This is my marriage. I literally think I cried every single day for months at this point, in the car, in the shower. Taylor Swift was honestly my best friend, um, and I think the biggest place I cried was the closet of our apartment, because that was the only place I could call my mom without him hearing. So I spent so many nights, like hours, on the phone with my mom Thank you, shout out to my mom, I love you Talking about what he said about me that day, what he was doing, all of the horrible things that were happening that I won't even get into because I think this would end up being too long of a podcast and I'm definitely skipping over some really crazy things that happened and he did.

Kelly:

That would give a little bit more context, but I don't necessarily want to go into all of that. My therapist has already heard all of those things. So and y'all aren't my therapist, but I can appreciate a listening ear but I like when this was all happening, I couldn't eat, or then I would binge eat and then I like couldn't sleep, or then I like slept too much, um, and I like kind of felt like a ghost in my life, like a ghost of the version of myself. I didn't know what the fuck was happening. My marriage was going down the drain. I literally tried to, like talk to him. He either would shut it down or flip it.

Kelly:

He always said I was the problem and to this day he's never taken accountability. He always blamed it on his ADHD or his trauma or like truly whatever else that he could reach for. That's what he did. I sat him down so many times and tried to hold space for him. I asked him what he needed, asked him how to help, and he gave me nothing. He couldn't give me any examples of what I did wrong. It was just like he was non-responsive to some things and to others it was me being the villain, even though that was not the truth, even a little bit.

Kelly:

And truly, my therapist, his mentor actually two therapists and his mentor said essentially that he was delusional and he had the emotional word for word. His mentor said the emotional intelligence of a 12-year-old, which I did not say that, but I was like, oh, things can get worse. You know, it got worse. It got so much fucking worse. It wasn't just like emotional chaos, but then it like became physical intimidation. So he never hit me, but he'd yell in my face, he would get in my space.

Kelly:

I remember one night he charged at me in an argument um, so fast, I mean, I remember it so vividly, he charged me so fast and literally like he was going to hit me, that I out loud said like are you going to hit me right now? Um, and like the fact that I even had to ask that is crazy. Um, another time he shoved a door into me to force me out of the room. Um, because we were having an argument, because we couldn't even have conversations, because he just didn't want to have them, he would just shut it down. Um, and then he like had the audacity to tell me like he felt unsafe because I was reacting or crying, or like honestly, it felt like existing was a problem. It was like such a fucking mind, fuck the gaslighting constant.

Kelly:

And like the worst part is like he really believed it, like he was so, so sure it was all my fault, all my fault, and like for a while I believed it too because I'm a codependent and I also, you know, struggle with being a people pleaser that I was starting to believe that you know somebody who loves me this much. You know it must be true, it must be true. And like going through therapy and going through, you know, talking to his mentor and everything, like they were like no, that's not the truth, kelly. Like he's living in delusions, unfortunately. But like, after all this, eventually, like I broke and I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't leave because I gave up. I left because I was the only one still trying and I couldn't keep trying to essentially save something that was erasing me as a person.

Kelly:

Even before I said I want a divorce to him, I saw text messages that he was sending his friends and I don't think he even knows this but like I saw him send those things of like this is over, she's this person. Like it will never be the same. Like and I mentioned that when I said like I want a, want a divorce, I said you've already told people that. Like you want that. And he's like no, I didn't, I would never say that. And like he said that I've read it, I saw it with my own eyes, and so that was really difficult. But, like I, I didn't want to do it, but I I had to.

Kelly:

When someone runs away from a marriage, what else? What else can you do? So you know, I started the process. I filed for divorce. Um, I essentially said we need to break the lease. Um, also, filing for divorce quick side note takes like minimum six months in california, which is fucking insane, but I guess they do it to to like be difficult, I guess in a way. But whatever, um, but after all of this and all the trauma and everything going on, I thought like now, what the fuck do I do? Because it wasn't like just my marriage ending, it was like the version of me that I thought could fix all of this. Um, the version of me that also like took all the blame and like essentially begged someone to choose her and then stayed when they didn't. This is like the first time I've ever really chosen myself in a way. As like cliche as that sounds.

Kelly:

But you know, going through therapy and everything, my therapist suggested divorce recovery group. I said, okay, what the fuck is that? So I googled them. Fuck, they were all like 50 year old women talking like about alimony and shared custody and real estate and like court shit and like I love those women's slay, girly, slay. I was so cringe but whatever. Um, but like I couldn't relate. I was like a 27 year old with a husband, or soon to be ex-husband, who couldn't get a full-time job, we didn't own a house, we didn't have kids, thank, and I was grieving a man who had the emotional intelligence of a 12-year-old and rage quit Xbox games at I don't know 2 or 3 am Like there was no space for me in that I couldn't relate to them. And there was also like no guide for what to do when you're 20 something, divorcee, crying on the floor and like trying to figure shit out. And there's also like no community for it. So I said why don't I just create one? Which is crazy. But yeah, that's what's happening happening.

Kelly:

So like, girl, hang up wasn't like this cute idea, it was a, it was a breakdown. It came from, essentially, the closet I cried in every night. Um, from the notes app, like everything he did to me has done to me, um, the voice memos. I never sent the, the rage, the, the fucking grief, the, the guilt, the, the pain, the, the fucking stupid jokes I always make about it and like the humor of it all, because it is humorous getting divorced a little bit the way I'd say I miss him and then you know I wouldn't. It's just like going through that. But I didn't want, like another woman, to like sit in silence and think maybe it was just me, or like am I alone? Is this what I want? Like really trying to figure out what the fuck you are doing, because A it wasn't just you and B you should be in community. So I said I'm going to make that. So, uh, on top of girl, hang up. I was like okay. So, uh, on top of girl, hang up. I was like okay, let's also make a podcast. So here we are.

Kelly:

Uh, his loss hotline. It's kind of the podcast I wish existed. When I was in the middle of it, when I couldn't eat or couldn't sleep and like every answer online was like some bullshit answer and I hated every fucking thing that I saw. Um, I'm like, yay, you're doing it. Like I wanted something real. Um, but like the his loss hotline is not about being perfectly healed, like we'll, we're never going to be perfectly healed, about being perfectly healed. We're never going to be perfectly healed and it's not therapy speak, unless we bring on an actual therapist. And it's also not like how-to guide of how steps to closure, like 10 steps. Here's the 10 steps I can give you for full closure and you'll be fine. It's fuck.

Kelly:

I stayed too long or I missed someone who treated me like shit. I still think about texting him or why am I crying right now? I blocked him and then re-blocked him and then unblocked him again, him and then re-blocked him and then unblocked him again. Or I know he was bad for me, but I still loved him.

Kelly:

There's so many different aspects of that that I think need to be talked about and no one talks about the messy middle. And even on the other side of things I feel like I've healed a lot and it's still messy. Healing is messy, grief is messy and there's no timeline for it. But, like, the show is all about honesty and the mess and the unhinged, but also the healing and how you deal with those things and being in community with the girlies and truly feeling seen and heard, and that's what I wanted to create.

Kelly:

But, like, right now, if you're in it, if you're in the grief and the bullshit and the spiral and kind of the silence that feels a little bit like louder than anything else. Just know, like and this is just a reminder for me and for you you're not alone, you didn't ruin it, you didn't deserve it and you're not hard to love. You were just loving someone who couldn't meet you where you were, unfortunately, and I'm there, or I was there, and I just really want people to know like leaving wasn't giving up on on yourself or the marriage. It was like remembering who the fuck you are and like finally putting yourself first for once. But but that was kind of the first episode of His His Hotline. I know it was a little unhinged, maybe a little emotional for the girlies.

Kelly:

I know I joke a lot and that's just how I deal with my grief and my trauma is I joke a lot. Any of my friends can attest to that and there's a lot of me talking, um, but you know it's kind of the reason for a podcast. If you hate it, I'm so sorry, um, but uh, yeah, follow, girl, hang up on Tik TOK and Instagram. Know, chaos, because always emotional support, unhinged memes and whoa, I said memes, weird memes. And yeah, I'll definitely be online because I'm an internet girly at heart, like my friends. Literally, we joke around. You know how people say they're like chronically online. I say we used to say I'm criminally online, but now we say I'm federally online. So, um, yeah, reach out, um, follow us. You can also send your own story for the show anonymously.

Kelly:

Um, because we got a lot of stuff coming up like divorce confessions, dating confessions, um, and even something called breakup court, which I'm very excited about. I even bought one of those fuck-ass little gavels. I almost bought a wig but like, uh, the uk wigs where they like I don't know they they wear those like weird George Washington wigs. No offense to UK people if this podcast gets over there, but yeah, we have breakup court upcoming and yeah, I just want everyone to know like this podcast is about support and connection and like chaos and healing and not feeling alone in whatever bullshit you've gone through.

Kelly:

And it doesn't have to be just divorce. It can be a situation, ship or 10 years of like. What is it called? Like a common law marriage, it's okay if it's your morning. A relationship that you had for two years or one year or maybe six months, that's okay. We're all grieving different things and all kind of being unhinged together in a way, but it's for all of us together in a way, but it's for all of us, um. But uh, new episodes drop every tuesday, so follow wherever you listen. I won't judge you if it's like apple podcasts or whatever, um, and then, if you want to, you could post this episode on your story or um, just share it, maybe, rate it. Please rate it. Well, if you're going to I'm not like begging, but I low-key a little bit am, but I just want the girlies to find the hotline. So, yeah, share wherever you can and remember it's his loss. I'm sorry, but the person you called has a voicemail box that has not been set up yet. Goodbye.